~**[Dev's posts with tag: jokes
 This guy approaches the Madam of a local whorehouse and says, "Madam, I'm ready to spend top dollar here, but I have some very specific requirements. Do you think you can meet them?"
To which the Madam replies, "Sir, you have come to the finest brothel in the area. Our Ladies are extremely skilled in pleasing a man in every way! Simply name your pleasure."
"Great!" he says, "Now here's what I want. I want a woman that doesn't moan, or groan, or thrash around or even move at all. In fact, I want her to simply lie there like a cold, hard piece of wood."
"Well!", she says, "I must say that is a very unusual request, but I simply don't understand. We have the finest, most desirable and exciting women in the world here. Why would you make such a request?"
To which he replies, "Well, I'm a traveling salesman that's been on the road for a while, but I'm not really horny, I'm just homesick!" 
 The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber
 A priest comes out of the church to find Little Johnny sitting on the steps killing ants by smashing them with his thumb, saying, "Fucking ants," with each smash.
"What are you doing!"?
"I'm killing these fucking ants."
Visibly upset, the priest sits next to Johnny, "My son, don't you know that it is wrong to harm any of God's creatures? God created every living being and it is a sin to kill any of them, including ants."
Johnny thinks about this a minute and says, "But these ants don't do anything. They just bother people."
The priest responds, "Everything in life has a purpose my son, including these ants. I want you to go home and think about that. In fact, I challenge you to come back here in one week and see if you can think of three things in life that do not have a purpose."
One week passes and the priest emerges from the church to find Little Johnny sitting on the steps, smashing ants with his thumb, reciting the same "Fucking ants" phrase.
Rushing over to him, the priest says, "My son, I thought I told you that everything has a purpose and it is a sin to interfere with that purpose! Why are you killing these ants? Did you do as I instructed? Were you really able to think of three things in life that do not have a purpose?"
Little Johnny looks up at the priest and says, "Yeah, I thought of three things that don't have a purpose. Tits on a nun, Balls on a priest and these fucking ants!"
 Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"That's great," said little Johnny.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
 Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store mona's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.
mona say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
Johnny shakes his head, "No."
mona touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
Johnny again shakes his head, "No...."
The department store mona then asked, "Well then, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?"
Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some .pu s s ........!!!"
mona, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of of that!?!?"
Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!"
 Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.
Little Mary got up and said, "My Dad is a pilot, and my Mom is an architect."
"Great" said the teacher.
Michael got up and said, "My Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife." Good said the teacher.
Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said, "My Mommy, she is a substitute."
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "You mean she is a Prostitute?"
"No". Said Johnny, "My Aunt, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mom substitutes."
 The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
"Mary, what do your parents do?"
Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse."
"That’s very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?"
Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"
"That’s very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"
He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker."
Naturally, after that remark, he was sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.
Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."
 Little Johnny was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the evidence was overwhelming.
As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed his tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."?
"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shakes and you'll lose the case!"
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"   
The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and sheing to stand up!"
Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and heing to stand up!"
A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to stand up!"
Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.
The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up… I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"
Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about meing and meing!"
  
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.
"How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives in Next Street?'
The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!""That's my boy!"
  
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.
"You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on the neighbor's fence and they had to pull splinters out of him for six hours straight, down at the hospital."   
Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.
Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.
He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.
He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy.
Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"
All at once, he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. The dumb b*$#h committed suicide!"
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.
One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied, "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable; Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.
After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.
One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied, "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable; Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.
After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
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